Saturday, May 29, 2010

Moving Out

"It seems such a waste of time, if that's what it's all about, Good Luck Moving up cause I'm moving out!"- Billy Joel.

Sorry for the delay in posts but life has been kind of hectic. My family is in the middle of losing our home and he have been for the past several months. Right now it's getting down to crunch time and I have some major stuff to mull over. As my parents are desperately searching for a place as a result of the poor economy I too am finding myself in the market for a place. Part of me is like maybe I should stay with them until I figure out my Navy hitch, the other part is like Dude you're 25 put on the big boy pants find your own place, you've got your own messes to deal with and if you stay with Mom and Dad you're going to be dealing with their crisis as well as your own. I don't mean to seem like I'm bad mouthing them but I've got scant resources that can barely support myself let alone 5 other people. My mess with my parents is complicated they really are sweet caring people but some of the things that have happened over the past 4 years have sort of soured the relationship a tad. They took me in through my college years and while I may gripe about this that and the other thing they did keep a roof over my head until I got my degree. Part of me wishes I could help them more but I just don't have the resources at this time. Likewise some of my prior aid and personal poor choices ( some high rolling when I couldn't afford it) have left me in my own jam that I'm slowly clawing my way out of. Essentially why it may not seem the wisest move to go tack on more bills to my already straining paycheck, piece of mind maybe worth the extra cash. The piece of mind of knowing that I am responsible for my own destiny, and not "along for the ride." I've made my mistakes and this might be another one but I can't keep living the same old slag anymore. So for the first time since 2005 I'm thinking of going out on my own for success or for failure I have to try. I have several doubts and several fears but the life I have been living for the past two years hasn't been mine. I've found myself regressing into a pit of fear and doubt I thought I had cast behind me years ago. I've found myself becoming a person I don't want to be not because of my parents but because of the constant stress of being helpless to help them, helpless to change them, helpless to prevent the mess we're now in. Essentially I can only offer so much and while they to have helped me in my life I feel that there have been times they have not helped themselves. I don't want to cast blame on them I don't understand all the crap they've been through, I don't know how difficult it is to raise children work a job you are good at but hate, then get crapped on by your employer and let go after 23 years. Maybe I've been too hard on them but to sit for two years and not try to find anything seems hard for me to swallow. Like I said I haven't been in the house day in day out I don't know their struggles I don't know what's been going on behind the scenes so how can I possibly judge. But when I keep hearing the same old song and dance and nothing ever changes how can I keep faith. When I came back from my first attempt at college in 2005 with my tail between my legs I was given the ultimatum you have 1 month to get a job. I took on a crappy gig at a convenience store while I searched for something better and in the month I worked at that place I realized I was better than the crappy hard work, long hours, lowing paying gig I was in. I got a chip on my shoulder and got myself the hell out of there and into a stable better paying position with the bank. Now I'm finding my self with my pre- 2005 attitude feeling hopeless that I somehow deserve this bad crap , that people's faith in me is misguided that I'll be nothing more than what I am, a broken down, somewhat smart, struggling bum. That I didn't help enough that I still need to help more, that I didn't give absolutely everything, that how dare I do this to them in their hour of need. Doubt has tried to consume me But I can't let that happen. I've got to move on. I've got to move up, I've got to move out. I have done what I can do and now I've got to start on my own path. because the longer I stay in the present situation the more stuck I will become. So I'm taking the deep breath, opening the door and starting down the road...the first step is always the hardest.