Well the past three weeks have been an emotional roller coaster to say the least, I've been thrown through the ringer and on top of it all I just want to sign up for a couple races and get some primal rage out of the system.
Three weeks ago my parents lost their house. A friend of the family offered us a place to crash while he vacations on the coast for the summer so that was an exceptional act of kindness on the part of him and his family. I'm still planning on moving out but to know I've got a semi stable roof over my head while I scrounge together a security deposit is a good thing. I've had some anger and resentment building and it was approaching a head but thankfully I didn't do anything too rash.
Josie got married last weekend and found out she is expecting a baby girl.
After Josie's wedding my car's battery died so I was left car less and homeless in the same week. Without the car ( which was storing my bike) there was no way I was going to get to the pool or go for rides so my training nosed dived as did my endorphins leading to a massive break down on Tuesday night.
I spent some time with the GF but I had a mini melt down mid-week. Seriously this girl should be up for the medal of honor for having to deal with my crap. essentially my breakdown was I felt unworthy of her. The breakdown went along the lines of she comes from a decent fairly stable family. She has worries that would be considered more or less normal. She cute, she's smart, she's emotionally stable what does she want with a freak like me that's homeless, car less and living off the stop and shop 2 for $0.89 Ramen Special, when she could have a strong, stable, financially secure gentleman ( read : Angry Runner.) that could buy her anything her heart desires annd give her the time attention and stability every girl should have. So essentially I just sort of broke down because I felt like she could do better than me. Which led to a whole long tearful conversation which I will not discuss here but essentially that girl is a keeper.
My plans to keep my perfect steak alive at the Patriot Tri came to a violent end as I looked at the bank account this morning and there was no way I was going to swing the $200 entry fee. I still have meek hope for the Griskus Olympic but I've got to see what hits the account overnight. Despite all the crap that has happened to me in the last 3 weeks I still want to race. I'm a triathlete it's what I do. It's in my blood. For too long I've sat round as a whiny bitch I've got nothing left to lose so I should go out and make my competition pay for my pain and pay dearly.
People have always marveled that I can take the beating of half and full ironman's pretty well, essentially it's because the physical doesn't hurt as much as the mental. I mean you run a marathon your legs cramp tough shit. I'd rather run 3 marathons back to back than to try to keep the stoic face and try to keep it together on the outside like I've had for the last couple of months. People speak of mental toughness, I'll be the first to say I'm not mentally tough I just know I've got to get up in the morning and go to work, and try to do something. I sulk, I bitch but I got to keep moving though I feel like I can't. There were days still are days I look at my situation and feel hopeless, but I still get up and still keep doing what I have to do, because nothing is going to change if I sit on my butt crying and watching CSI dvds all week.
So I really want to compete this year...maybe because it's an escape of the torture daily life has become or maybe it's my way of "sticking it to the man" I've got talent and somedays it feels good to know you just laid the smack on the guy with a $10k P-4, a $200/month training plan, personal massuse, thearpist for his cat, and the executive challenge grab bag hanging from his handle bars. It makes the ramen taste a little better and go down a little smoother on Monday afternoon.
R.D.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Moving Out
"It seems such a waste of time, if that's what it's all about, Good Luck Moving up cause I'm moving out!"- Billy Joel.
Sorry for the delay in posts but life has been kind of hectic. My family is in the middle of losing our home and he have been for the past several months. Right now it's getting down to crunch time and I have some major stuff to mull over. As my parents are desperately searching for a place as a result of the poor economy I too am finding myself in the market for a place. Part of me is like maybe I should stay with them until I figure out my Navy hitch, the other part is like Dude you're 25 put on the big boy pants find your own place, you've got your own messes to deal with and if you stay with Mom and Dad you're going to be dealing with their crisis as well as your own. I don't mean to seem like I'm bad mouthing them but I've got scant resources that can barely support myself let alone 5 other people. My mess with my parents is complicated they really are sweet caring people but some of the things that have happened over the past 4 years have sort of soured the relationship a tad. They took me in through my college years and while I may gripe about this that and the other thing they did keep a roof over my head until I got my degree. Part of me wishes I could help them more but I just don't have the resources at this time. Likewise some of my prior aid and personal poor choices ( some high rolling when I couldn't afford it) have left me in my own jam that I'm slowly clawing my way out of. Essentially why it may not seem the wisest move to go tack on more bills to my already straining paycheck, piece of mind maybe worth the extra cash. The piece of mind of knowing that I am responsible for my own destiny, and not "along for the ride." I've made my mistakes and this might be another one but I can't keep living the same old slag anymore. So for the first time since 2005 I'm thinking of going out on my own for success or for failure I have to try. I have several doubts and several fears but the life I have been living for the past two years hasn't been mine. I've found myself regressing into a pit of fear and doubt I thought I had cast behind me years ago. I've found myself becoming a person I don't want to be not because of my parents but because of the constant stress of being helpless to help them, helpless to change them, helpless to prevent the mess we're now in. Essentially I can only offer so much and while they to have helped me in my life I feel that there have been times they have not helped themselves. I don't want to cast blame on them I don't understand all the crap they've been through, I don't know how difficult it is to raise children work a job you are good at but hate, then get crapped on by your employer and let go after 23 years. Maybe I've been too hard on them but to sit for two years and not try to find anything seems hard for me to swallow. Like I said I haven't been in the house day in day out I don't know their struggles I don't know what's been going on behind the scenes so how can I possibly judge. But when I keep hearing the same old song and dance and nothing ever changes how can I keep faith. When I came back from my first attempt at college in 2005 with my tail between my legs I was given the ultimatum you have 1 month to get a job. I took on a crappy gig at a convenience store while I searched for something better and in the month I worked at that place I realized I was better than the crappy hard work, long hours, lowing paying gig I was in. I got a chip on my shoulder and got myself the hell out of there and into a stable better paying position with the bank. Now I'm finding my self with my pre- 2005 attitude feeling hopeless that I somehow deserve this bad crap , that people's faith in me is misguided that I'll be nothing more than what I am, a broken down, somewhat smart, struggling bum. That I didn't help enough that I still need to help more, that I didn't give absolutely everything, that how dare I do this to them in their hour of need. Doubt has tried to consume me But I can't let that happen. I've got to move on. I've got to move up, I've got to move out. I have done what I can do and now I've got to start on my own path. because the longer I stay in the present situation the more stuck I will become. So I'm taking the deep breath, opening the door and starting down the road...the first step is always the hardest.
R.D.
Sorry for the delay in posts but life has been kind of hectic. My family is in the middle of losing our home and he have been for the past several months. Right now it's getting down to crunch time and I have some major stuff to mull over. As my parents are desperately searching for a place as a result of the poor economy I too am finding myself in the market for a place. Part of me is like maybe I should stay with them until I figure out my Navy hitch, the other part is like Dude you're 25 put on the big boy pants find your own place, you've got your own messes to deal with and if you stay with Mom and Dad you're going to be dealing with their crisis as well as your own. I don't mean to seem like I'm bad mouthing them but I've got scant resources that can barely support myself let alone 5 other people. My mess with my parents is complicated they really are sweet caring people but some of the things that have happened over the past 4 years have sort of soured the relationship a tad. They took me in through my college years and while I may gripe about this that and the other thing they did keep a roof over my head until I got my degree. Part of me wishes I could help them more but I just don't have the resources at this time. Likewise some of my prior aid and personal poor choices ( some high rolling when I couldn't afford it) have left me in my own jam that I'm slowly clawing my way out of. Essentially why it may not seem the wisest move to go tack on more bills to my already straining paycheck, piece of mind maybe worth the extra cash. The piece of mind of knowing that I am responsible for my own destiny, and not "along for the ride." I've made my mistakes and this might be another one but I can't keep living the same old slag anymore. So for the first time since 2005 I'm thinking of going out on my own for success or for failure I have to try. I have several doubts and several fears but the life I have been living for the past two years hasn't been mine. I've found myself regressing into a pit of fear and doubt I thought I had cast behind me years ago. I've found myself becoming a person I don't want to be not because of my parents but because of the constant stress of being helpless to help them, helpless to change them, helpless to prevent the mess we're now in. Essentially I can only offer so much and while they to have helped me in my life I feel that there have been times they have not helped themselves. I don't want to cast blame on them I don't understand all the crap they've been through, I don't know how difficult it is to raise children work a job you are good at but hate, then get crapped on by your employer and let go after 23 years. Maybe I've been too hard on them but to sit for two years and not try to find anything seems hard for me to swallow. Like I said I haven't been in the house day in day out I don't know their struggles I don't know what's been going on behind the scenes so how can I possibly judge. But when I keep hearing the same old song and dance and nothing ever changes how can I keep faith. When I came back from my first attempt at college in 2005 with my tail between my legs I was given the ultimatum you have 1 month to get a job. I took on a crappy gig at a convenience store while I searched for something better and in the month I worked at that place I realized I was better than the crappy hard work, long hours, lowing paying gig I was in. I got a chip on my shoulder and got myself the hell out of there and into a stable better paying position with the bank. Now I'm finding my self with my pre- 2005 attitude feeling hopeless that I somehow deserve this bad crap , that people's faith in me is misguided that I'll be nothing more than what I am, a broken down, somewhat smart, struggling bum. That I didn't help enough that I still need to help more, that I didn't give absolutely everything, that how dare I do this to them in their hour of need. Doubt has tried to consume me But I can't let that happen. I've got to move on. I've got to move up, I've got to move out. I have done what I can do and now I've got to start on my own path. because the longer I stay in the present situation the more stuck I will become. So I'm taking the deep breath, opening the door and starting down the road...the first step is always the hardest.
R.D.
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Welcome to training camp./ How you know the Girlfriend's a keeper.
Well back in March as I was training for my current position I was informed I had a week of carry over vacation time that I had to use up so I decided to use it this week for a min-"get my butt back into half Iron shape training camp." So the next seven day will be full of hard core mileage as well as doing some of the nagging little things that I haven't been able to do over the last few weeks. Yesterday the camp kicked off with a 55 mile training ride. I was hoping to get a 7 mile brick run in with it, but I learned the hard way a man can not subsist on toast and power bars alone. Today I have a nice little late afternoon half mary run planned and then tomorrow a swim before driving out to RI to visit my sisters. The last two weeks my hectic work schedule hasd thrown a wrench in my training plans, as has the fact that I've started dating again. ( I can just hear one of my old coach's words ringing in my ears... "girlfriends are run killers.") I will say this this girl is a keeper. She lives in Massachusetts just outside of Hopkington and when I went up to visit got the grand tour of the BAA Starting line...one year I'll qualify for that damn thing...she seems not to mind my jokes on shaving legs, nor the fact that I spend more time in a pool on a bicycle, or running than what would be considered healthy by most sane people. The only draw back why does she have to be a Red Sox fan! In any case all is well on that front, now I've just got to get my training in gear so I'll be ready for my first half of the season.
Tally Ho!
R.D.
Tally Ho!
R.D.
Monday, May 3, 2010
Aging up
Well Thursday I turned 25. The Big-2-5, a quarter century. A silver anniversary as it were. This now means I'm out of the realitive comfort of the 20-24 bracket, and am beginning a journey into age groups where 4 months salary couldn't even by the aero helmet that some of my competition has. Essentially the margin for error is getting slimmer, the times are getting faster and competition is getting more intense. I've got three words for it BRING- IT-ON!!!!
This year I'm caught in a debate about which races to do. I'm sort of doing 2-3 locals. No Rev, but I'm tossed up about what my second half iron of the season should be. Here's what's on the platter.
Providence 70.3: I've done this race since it's inception. I know the course, got the finisher medal. It's closer to home and I know I'd have excellent crowd support, only issue is do I really want to front load my season again. If I do Providence then I will have done all my long distance stuff at the beginning of the season, tapped all my resources at the beginning of the season and will essentially find myself in the same rut as 2008 and 2009. Broke and bored after the second week of July. Likewise no Kona slots are at stake and in my "less competitive" age group last year I was still about mid-pack. I know Clearwater is a longshot, so essentially do I want to chuck down $250 for a headsweat and an Amica medal?
Halfmax National Championship Myrtle Beach, SC: This is an unknown. My 5:03 at Providence was good enough to get me qualified for my current age group. The problem is travel wise Myrtle Beach is going to cost more than Providence. The plus side is it's in October so I have time to save and piecemeal. Other plus side it gives me motivation to train through August and September. The other plus side unlike WTC's share the wealth quota that has fewer slots scattered at more events, this one has a motherload to ITU Long Distance Worlds next year. Essentially the top-16 in each Age group qualify for worlds. Likewise Worlds in 2011 is on US Soil. Part of me is thinking no contest but still gas and a hotel in Myrtle Beach for 4 days still adds up. Especially as crazy crisises always tend to rear their ugly head when ever I try to save up.
Essentially I'm torn, I'm leaning toward S.C. but the common sense is screaming don't do it Bobby, granted it also tends to scream that as I'm flying down hill at 40 mph too....
Tossed up.
R.D.
This year I'm caught in a debate about which races to do. I'm sort of doing 2-3 locals. No Rev, but I'm tossed up about what my second half iron of the season should be. Here's what's on the platter.
Providence 70.3: I've done this race since it's inception. I know the course, got the finisher medal. It's closer to home and I know I'd have excellent crowd support, only issue is do I really want to front load my season again. If I do Providence then I will have done all my long distance stuff at the beginning of the season, tapped all my resources at the beginning of the season and will essentially find myself in the same rut as 2008 and 2009. Broke and bored after the second week of July. Likewise no Kona slots are at stake and in my "less competitive" age group last year I was still about mid-pack. I know Clearwater is a longshot, so essentially do I want to chuck down $250 for a headsweat and an Amica medal?
Halfmax National Championship Myrtle Beach, SC: This is an unknown. My 5:03 at Providence was good enough to get me qualified for my current age group. The problem is travel wise Myrtle Beach is going to cost more than Providence. The plus side is it's in October so I have time to save and piecemeal. Other plus side it gives me motivation to train through August and September. The other plus side unlike WTC's share the wealth quota that has fewer slots scattered at more events, this one has a motherload to ITU Long Distance Worlds next year. Essentially the top-16 in each Age group qualify for worlds. Likewise Worlds in 2011 is on US Soil. Part of me is thinking no contest but still gas and a hotel in Myrtle Beach for 4 days still adds up. Especially as crazy crisises always tend to rear their ugly head when ever I try to save up.
Essentially I'm torn, I'm leaning toward S.C. but the common sense is screaming don't do it Bobby, granted it also tends to scream that as I'm flying down hill at 40 mph too....
Tossed up.
R.D.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Getting Back
Well yesterday the weather was absolutely perfect for a ride so I did my usual Middlebury to Waramaug loop, excpet I did it with no stopping or bathoom breaks. I didn't have a bike computer so I rode completely oblivious to speed and distance. In one way it's kind of a down side in that I can't chart my exact distance or guess my pace and progress. In another it allows me to just focus on the road and riding by feel. So yesterday I spent most of the ride crusing at a comfortable pace and doing big gear work on the climbs. There were several other riders out but we were all at various stages of riding. I managed to have some targets at the lake as I was passing some rec riders as I did my two loops. Even managed to have two guys draft me for about a mile. The ride back I was surprsed how long I was able to stay in the Big ring on the climbs back. I know my speed must have been in the single digits but my legs needed the power work. Also discovered the art of peeling bananas while riding. The low point of the ride was hittng a couple of massive potholes on the descent back. For all the guys out here I will say the following "aluminum hurts." I had wanted to tack on a run after the ride but my back was pretty shot from all the "power climbing." I know that if do Rev3 I'm going to have to put in a run after one of these hillolicious rides soon but we'll sees how that plays out. Right now I'm definitely committed to Patriot especially since I'm sort of dating a chick in the greater Boston area. Likewise I have a Rev 3 pre ride this weekend just to try to see if it's worth entering. I tend to do better on flat courses than I do on climbs but part of me sort of wants to do the local half. All in all things are still moving along as I'm trying to figure out some life stuff and gather my paper work for the Navy, but I fgure I'm going to try to have a little fun this summer. If I don't do the Rev I might try to keep my Providence streak alive or spend the money on some shorter local races. Part of me would like to try long course nats since I already posted a qualifying time at Providence last season but we'll see how things go. Happy Training to all and Also Congrats to Pro Bree Wee in here Ironman SA finish.
Working his legs back into shape.
R.D.
Working his legs back into shape.
R.D.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Back to the Grind
Well last weekend was sort of a crappy one for training but I managed to kick off a nice little week of run focus. Over 26 miles from 2x 7 milers and a 13 miler in the begining of the week. This week I've only been doing one workout a day, one of them was a group ride with the Waterbury YMCA Tri Club. The rde wasn't bad but I will one thing I never thoght I would: I'm glad the race directors of the Pat Griskus Olympic Tri set the bie course up the way they did. Don't get me wrong the course is brutally hard, but having done it in reverse I would rather climb some of the narrower twisting sections of the course at 7-10 mph instead of trying to descend them a 40 mph with a pack on my tail. This weekend's supposed to be nice so hopefully here will be some more bike foucs.
R.D.
R.D.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Back in the saddle
Well New England has finally thawed so I'm back out on the bike. Yesterday I did about 56 miles up to Lake Waramaug and back. It's a tough and demanding ride and I was certainly beat by the end of it. The only down side was my bike computer biting the dust at about mile 3 on my 20 miler on Saturday. So yesterday's ride I was completely clueless. I have a guestimate of how far I went. I know it took me about 3.5 hours and I need to throw down some cash either at the bike shop or at nashbar. Granted I think I'm going to go wireless with cadence. For years I've been struggling to guess my RPMs on spin workouts or going up hills. Likewise I'm mounting this thing to the chain stays so I can get accurate distance while I'm spinning.
As mentioned before I'm looking at delaying my enlistment into OCS until the fall. I know I'm going to get the "he's having second thoughts routine" but I have to take care of somethings in the meantime. (like reviewing all of my highschool and college math courses so I can ace my ASTB and getting some affairs in order (financial and personal), also I want to get some racing in this summer.) I will say my new job is pretty good and it's definitely helping me get used to working under stress.
Back to Sunday's ride I was solo for most of it and I ain't going to lie I was missing having Josie and Bjoern to help pace me. But the solitude of 50 miles in the saddle also allowed me valuable time to thing. Not just about pedal stroke ( which judging by my shadow has improved.) but about life in general. I thought about how I love pushing myself and my love to compete and that whatever I do I can continue to race. I thought about political crap, philosophy and religion ( I won't express those views for fear of excommunication.) people I've met, people I've hurt, people I've helped. Races I've done and want to do. Essentially I can say my ride bordered on a transcendental experience, either that of my O2 saturation levels were lower than I thought and I need to build more base. But in anycase it felt good to be in the saddle.
R.D.
As mentioned before I'm looking at delaying my enlistment into OCS until the fall. I know I'm going to get the "he's having second thoughts routine" but I have to take care of somethings in the meantime. (like reviewing all of my highschool and college math courses so I can ace my ASTB and getting some affairs in order (financial and personal), also I want to get some racing in this summer.) I will say my new job is pretty good and it's definitely helping me get used to working under stress.
Back to Sunday's ride I was solo for most of it and I ain't going to lie I was missing having Josie and Bjoern to help pace me. But the solitude of 50 miles in the saddle also allowed me valuable time to thing. Not just about pedal stroke ( which judging by my shadow has improved.) but about life in general. I thought about how I love pushing myself and my love to compete and that whatever I do I can continue to race. I thought about political crap, philosophy and religion ( I won't express those views for fear of excommunication.) people I've met, people I've hurt, people I've helped. Races I've done and want to do. Essentially I can say my ride bordered on a transcendental experience, either that of my O2 saturation levels were lower than I thought and I need to build more base. But in anycase it felt good to be in the saddle.
R.D.
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