Well Today I was forced to call out sick from work as my body rebelled after a moderate night of training. I rode ten mile last night and ran 6 I would have rode longer but I decided to bail on the rest of my riding group after a quick drenching rain storm. ( part of me feels my collarbone intact, and my ability to be able to type freely takes precednece over training miles.) I was awakened at 3:30 in the morning with stomach cramps which kept me wake until 5:30 there was no way I was going to be able to function at work the way my stomach was so I called out. hence the second of my 4 vacation weeks has been spent. ( I used two sick days on papers, two days on flying home, one day journeying from Eagleman,)I have decided there will be no week of vacation for me this summer, I need the money and am an overtime whore so that takes precedent. I haven't thought about training today to recover, I might not train tomorrow to let my stomach settle back into a normal rythim after work. All and all I'm realistically thinking of scrapping any races after Providence, part of me feels like that's madness but the other realizes that Work and school are truly what matters, I have bills outstanding from the Hellish May that hit our house and quite frankly I find it hard to focus on racing and going fast with how the hell am I going to afford all this weighing on my mind. So for as short as it maybe 2008 was ok, I still have 3 races left, and still have yet to podium, I'm starting to think toward 09, whether I will race or enter a self imposed retirement, to coach, finish school, pay off debt and figure out what to do with the rest of my life. Part of me is aching to go back to New Zealand and finish a little unfinished business with the sport essentially I don't want to quit until I finish in Kona. Yesterday as I ran and group rode I remembered why I got into the sport and maybe the empty spot it would leave if I gave it up, but the other part of me knows that this world is made of dollars, cents, Pounds and Euros, that financial security means and makes all the difference in the world. Part of me chimes in after a training ride that that could have been 3 -4 hours working part time, $21-30, overtime at work, time spent on a thesis, the other part that remembers when I came back from NY working 70 hour weeks for crap pay, no life, I had the gas station and the video game shop, I gave up on going out with friends, considered giving up my sister's graduation party for overtime, I was called in on my days off without complaint, I was every employers dream come true and decaying on the inside. Then it happended some one came in buying gatorade and a powerbar, doing her first triathlon, two years previous that where I stood, my parents didn't get it, that I could take that money and save it for college, or gas money. I went to college for two years tried to become a D-I swimmer and instead became a D-I boozer, then the gas staion attendant, the following year I resolved to race again and did and now find myself here once again, I'm thinking like my parents did in the summer of 03 I could be spending the time and money somewhere else and then they responded when I told them that by pulling a total 180 " Don't give it up, if it brings you joy." They claimed that before tri I had no passion, I dabbled here and there and would pretty much dabble through life, but for once it seems I had found something I liked and acceled at. So now here's where I stand do I give up passion for money?