Saying I'm going to stop training means what exactly....

Well 48 Hours after stressing out, flipping out and vowing I was going to become a fat, researching, library troll, not letting the words swim, bike, or run permeate my vocabulary. Not let any thoughts other than what was currently being discussed in class or what I will be throwing on the printed page. I had the fat pants ready, my nook picked out, and was stressing out over all the research and papers that need to be done. I was going to cut myself off from the world and become a hermit with books under my arm and a long scraggily white beard. So last night after my last class what did I do? Although knowing I should be devoting my whole being to academics, I jumped in the pool and cranked out 3100 yds, and shot the shit with Bjoern and company, and proceeded to get home and collapse. I just can't seem to help myself, My name is Bob and I addcited to exercise. Try as I might I just cannot rid myself of the fact that I am an athlete. That training and racing for me are part of my being, alright maybe not that far, but then again if I were paralyzed or lost a leg I could see myself racing as a PC guy ( hopefully (knock on wood) that won't happen.) It just seems for me that I stress out about everything, except when I train. At work: I stress. At School: I stress, mainly because I committed the 12th deadly sin of academa I didn't do work when I had a break from classes ( both NZ and Spring Break), and the sort of old school guilty Catholic guy in me constantly plays the record of " you have to suffer and pay 10 fold for every mistake you make." or " not do work, you had a golden opportunity to get ahead and what did you do, you de-stressed, slept, and trained, how dare you." Maybe it comes from growng up believing "life is not supposed to be enjoyable", and then over the past 5 years trying to purge that idea from my system, that it's ok to accel at something other than school work, that I'm a descent athlete, not everything wrong with the world is my fault, a lousy grade does not mean you are a lousy student, and above all it's alright to be stress free and happy....it's still a work in progress and occasionally I sprial into the old attitude, that my job, my salary, my GPA, my major, my splits, my income to debt ratio, my credit score, my professors' lesson plans, my customer's opinons define me, that everyone's else's goal for me should be my goal for myself, that I should be hard on myself and forget about what makes me happy and devote myself solely to what needs to be done. I realized that to live like that quite frakly makes life tedious, robs the individual of passion, and quite frankly is not how I want to live.

All right, that was way too deep, but I needed to say it.
R.D.