Well tomorrow I begin to train again, well at least in the pool. A lot has been on my mind since I got back, one of the most telling is my inability to maintain relationships, and my fear of starting any. Let's face it I haven't had a true "girlfriend" in almost 3 years...part of the reason is I usually come on too strong or I don't come on at all because I think I come on too strong, it just seems with me there is no happy medium. Either the poor girl gets ignored or freaked out, in any case I crash and burn, and end up becoming like a monk, isolated showing no emotions and hiding myself in work and training, until my guard gets let down enough for me to try again. Maybe it stems back to my inabilty to read body language in High School and the embarassing and painful episodes that that led to, maybe hey I'm just one of those guys that's meant to be alone, but in any case if I ever have feelings for anybody it is like I've been thrown into the tortures of Spanish Inquisition. I'm afraid to speak because it might damn me and I'm afraid to keep silent because I might let "the one" slip away. In either case it leads to an emotional roller coaster, leaving me constantly second guessing myself, and afraid to talk. Part of me is bursting at the seams to tell this one person how I feel but at the same time the other part of me is desperately afraid of freaking her out and losing a pretty cool friend....it's a goddamn Catch 22. So how do I play it cool when the person has given me the whole, can't sleep, can't eat, I can barely get my mind off them thing . Goddamn it, this is a cruel joke! ( note to self next year for Lent giving up saying Goddamn it! Goddamn it!) I'm better now but I have absolutely no clue how to go, hopefully she has a boyfriend and my sense of ethics will keep me from looking like a smitten fool ( although this post is making me look like a smitten fool.) Maybe she's gay and that will save me some embarassment, but I don't want to tell her how I feel and end up broken and beaten at the side of the road. ( granted it would give me some motivation for the weight room and a new name sake for the next in the stomper series. ( my 2010 graduation present to myself.)) In either case I don't feel there is anyway for me to win. (Sort of like going into T-2 10 min. down at a sprint race.)
On a completely different note blogger has been giving me guff on loading my photos so the IMNZ Alblum will be a work in progress, any one interested on viewing some of Catherine's and Jonathan's photography can read my race report at the CT HEAT forum.
Well I'm going to go splash some cold water on my face and try to get some sleep, I'm going to try not to think about said person, just because if I do I will probably go insane, granted I'm probably insane already, and this post has probably shot down about all my chances, but I can't keep my doubts bottled up.
Kick it up a notch Torqumada!