Thursday, January 10, 2008

The 10 commandments and 7 deadly sins of Marathon Running

I was initially going to write this with a mock religious attitude but fearing excommunication, and sounding like a pompous ass I have decided to just play it straight. If you do desire a mock religious tone to this you can picture me singing this Gregorian Chant style in a priest outfit, complete with the funny little hat with the pompom ( actually I made do that for trick or trot next year.).

The Ten Commandments of Marathon Running:

I. Wear Clothing conductive to thy environment ( shorts and a tee shirt in weather 50degrees + Eskimo Crap only when below 0) , preferably made of a moisture wicking material.

II. Do not take the name of the gel thy Gu in Vain.

III. Remember to do thy weekly long runs.

IV. Honor the Kenyans and Ethiopians.

V. Thou Shalt remember to hydrate using both water and Gatorade. While water is thy friend too much water will dilute the sodium in thou body and can lead to thy demise.

VI. Thou shall not be rude to thy course volunteers, like thee thyself these volunteers were up at the butt crack of dawn ready to smite the race director, yet despite all this they try to be helpful and give thee thy nutrition and close the roads to traffic to prevent thou from becoming a road pizza, therefore do not blame thou poor preparation ( breaking commandment number 3) or circumstance beyond anyone's control ( monsoon, unusual 90 degree heat wave in December) on them.

VII. Thou shalt not race on new shoes, thou needs at least two training runs to break the fresh leather in.

VIII. Thou shall lube thy chafe zones up with Vaseline, body glide or Crisco to avoid major blistering of thy delicate skin.

IX. Thou shall take the race out at a comfortable pace lest thou wishes to experience the wrath of the running Gods or thou abused Muscles.

X. Thous shalt not gripe about thou finishing time for there are others who would kill to be able to finish a .2 mile run let alone 26.2.

The Seven DEADLY Sins

1. Eating too many Clif Bars before the race, the fiber will make its presence known at the the most inopportune time.

2. Going out at your 5k pace. Your legs will reward you with cramps that make you feel like your tendons are ripping apart at the 20 mile mark.

3. Wearing new shoes for a race. They will tear your feet up like a cheese grater.

4. Using an electrolyte replacement beverage that's too damn sweet. Trying to wash down the sticky mess with water will lead to overhydration, dilution of essential salts, and a whole mess of crap you don't want. Remember you can't go wrong with Gatorade.

5.Drinking to much water, it has worse effects than just making you have more trips to the bathroom, it could be deadly.

6. Not eating. Your body wil be burning mass quanities of sugar and salt, replenish accordingly.

7. Being rude to Volunteers.......bad thing happen when you cuss out volunteers....bad karma.


rocketpants said...

Can't go wrong with Gatorade? Not my sport drink of choice in a race. I do like it post race though. Gatorade has potentially too many simple sugars and can cause GI distress for some people.

I'm just say'n...if you heart the stuff and it works for you...drink up!

Sunshine said...

#7... A good word for the volunteers! Hopefully, runners would become volunteers when they get bored or can't race anymore. I have never been one, but bless them! Thank you thank you thank you!